Chua Soi Lek claim Adultery may be the key to a long, happy marriage,

Beware of predators!Soi Lek not brain dead,but sex hungry”Retired, but not brain dead”?

could be the key to a happy marriage,  Adultery may be the key to a long, happy marriage Most of the applause anyway came from men; women were wary. What Irrfan had done was to lay bare an eternal male fantasy, and stoke a woman’s essential fear. He gave expression to what he called a “sanctified marriage” but what actually can at best be termed “sanctified infidelity”. I think a sanctified marriage is when you have an option to sleep with 10 people, but you are still choosing that one person to live with,” said Irrfan. People wondered if he was hinting at being in an open marriage. Or was he a swinger? While an open marriage or a polyamorous arrangement implies a relationship with more than two people at the same time, a swinger swings from person to person, merely for sex.

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“Outsourcing” areas of the marriage such as sex to other suitors could make a relationship work in the long run, they argue.

For marriages in which the passion and intimacy has gone, Eli Finkel, from the department of psychology at Northwestern University in Illinois, advises embarking on an agreed “non-monogamous” relationship.things look a bit different. For given the nature of the social customs that surround marriage, for men in India, marriage is an institutionalised assertion of continuity while for women, it, more often than not, represents an acceptance of change that she cannot control nor fully comprehend at the time of the marriage. While this divergence in the meaning of marriage is quite apparent in an arranged marriage, even in a ‘love’ marriage, it is the woman’s life that changes more significantly, and in a manner that is often outside her control.

“It may be that your spouse is a terrific source of social support and intellectual stimulation but you haven’t had sex more than twice a year for the last five years and neither of you thinks that’s adequate,” he told The Telegraph.

“So you could say, that’s one of the needs I am going to fulfil elsewhere. I don’t recommend cheating, but an openly consensual non-monogamous relationship, that may very well be functional.”

In the paper The Suffocation of Marriage, Prof Finkel and his co-authors argue that people now expect more from a partner than ever before – to be a lover, friend, confidant, therapist, and someone to help achieve their long-term goals.

Yet, couples are spending increasingly less time with each other, meaning many are left unsatisfied. He also suggests living apart and placing specific diameters on the relationship.

“In 1800 you didn’t have to have a profound insight into your partner’s core essence to tend the chickens properly or build a sound physical structure out of the snow,” he said.

“In contrast, in 2014 you are really hoping your partner can help you on your voyage of self discovery and personal growth

We all know that some men are forever on the prowl. The men who are misfits in society, the mysterious loners who hold an allure for unsuspecting girls. Lesson to learn? Be suspicious. Mothers warn their daughters against exactly these men while, ironically, literature has romanticised the same breed of men – the strong and silent type. Remember Mr Rochester in Jane Eyre? Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice? Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights?Even Howard Roark in The Fountainhead? Or a Mills & Boon hero? The more brooding and difficult they are, the greater their appeal. Each one of them is a perfect example of a sociopath who amazingly changes colour once he meets ‘the right girl’.

And herein begins the problem that plagues our fair sex. All girls fed on a diet of impossible romance start dreaming of a sociopath they can help change and claim as their very own Darcy. That makes it easier for the predators lounging silently on the fringes of society. They recognise this and understand a woman’s emotions and responses much better than she does herself. They know exactly which string to pull to manipulate her.

I don’t have an issue with pre-marital sex. It’s legal and as long as the couple is of age and it’s consensual, it’s really silly to obsess about others having it. What is upsetting, however, is the perception of a woman as a “victim” if the relationship doesn’t culminate into marriage. People say the girl was “used”, or perhaps that she was “tricked” into having sex, that it now will affect her “reputation” and in general, the girl comes out as a sobbing sad story. I strongly disagree. Women today are in every workplace. They are educated, smart and responsible. If not, that’s not the guy’s fault.
He anyway wasn’t in love with her for her qualifications. People fall in love and hearts and bodies connect. That’s called being human. The girl enjoys sex as much as the guy does and when a couple splits up, to assume the guy isn’t equally hurt is absurd. But you don’t hear men wailing about being “dumped” or “used”, because men have been brought up to not display tears or signs of weakness. They are automatically and unfairly slotted as “tough” and hence, by default, as the emotionless users. How ridiculous to assume that women fall prey to a man’s charms, but that men don’t fall prey to a woman’s charm?! Talks of “character” and “reputation” are all societal prejudices and drive women to absolve themselves of all responsibility in the eventuality that things don’t go as planned.

If there’s any stigma to the woman, it’s not the man, but society to blame for it because if society is so concerned about the reputation of the womsan, it only needs to reprimand itself for creating such stupid stigmas in the first place.

These men play upon a woman’s irrepressible romantic instinct and her compulsion to love and mould another human being. So anyone off the beaten track interests and excites women. If he has an artistic streak, all the better, because it suggests greater sensitivity harboured within, awaiting her love to wash him in a new light. He knows this and plays the game well, fascinating her with his dark moods and sudden spurts of heart-melting romance. And so, all bad boys find well-meaning little women, eager to please and hoping to change them.

But goodness, is she in for a huge heartbreak?! Yes, because the sociopath is incapable of loving anyone but himself. He will romance her wildly, get her hooked and then move on to the next victim. The poor girls forget that most of the romantic novels end at the point where the hero unites with the heroine, without talking of the undoubtedly awful marriage the two will have. For, how can a man full of himself, focussed on his own needs and incapable of loving another, be good husband material?

For all those girls out there fed on romantic literature, here are a few tips on how to recognise the predator who feeds on nice girls. You may still get swept off your feet, but at least you’ll have been warned:

  • Anyone who is unbelievably good has to be unreal. This may sound cynical, but when have you ever seen a perfect hero walk out of a book or movie and enter your life? The good guys are the real guys, the ones with all their foibles and follies, the ones who forget to wish you on your special day, but are always there to pick up the broken pieces when you most need them.
  • Watch out for flowery compliments that ring untrue. While some concession can be made for a heart touched by romance, an overflow of compliments that are unbelievable even to your own ears should be taken with fistfuls of salt.
  • He is charming, but just when you are most bemused and starry-eyed, just when you are slipping under the spell, step back and take another hard look at him beyond his hypnotic eyes. Is the charm superficial or genuine?
  • Most rakes are pathological liars. If you happen to catch his lie, do not take it lightly. Be alert and watch out for further untruths.
  • Most sociopaths have a grandiose sense of themselves. They will exaggerate and try to portray themselves as highly important. This may or may not be to impress you; it is just the way they are.
  • Their emotions are pretty shallow and sociopaths rarely have friends.You will be able to figure this out by checking on his relations with relatives and friends.
  • They have poor control over their emotions and find it difficult to control their anger or irritation. They also do not respond with emotion to good or bad news.
  • A sociopath will not find it easy to apologise. In fact, he will almost never accept his fault, preferring to blame others.

    Recognise anyone close to you? If you do, put a hand over your heart and run miles away if you wish to avoid a major heartbreak.

Women complain that men pack up the romance as soon as a woman commits. They no longer feel the need to ladle it out as they did during courtship. And the woman is left feeling cheated and deprived, looking for that elusive element that her man wooed her with, but never bothered to adopt again.

Why does a man ditch romance the moment he secures his woman? For most men, romance is like a weapon they use during the chase, much as they would use a rifle for a hunt. Once the hunt is over and the prize secured, the rifle goes up on the wall and romance into the man’s pocket, till he needs to use it again.

On the other hand, a woman invariably mistakes romance to be a part of the entire package she is saying yes to and expects it to last forever. And so, when the man lays down his weapons and withholds the candles, chocolates and roses, she feels cheated and betrayed.

Recently at an all-women’s poetry club meet, after dissecting, venerating and romancing the 13th century Persian poet Rumi, we all settled down to discuss one of Rumi’s recurrent themes – of the ecstasy of love and its inherent pain. Why must love be painful? The ladies debated…

Said one, “Oh, love is ecstatic to begin with, and then you marry – and the pain begins!

“I swear,” quipped a young one in her 20s. “I was wooed relentlessly; now, just two years into marriage and he just doesn’t bother to be romantic anymore.”

Her mother nodded with empathy. “Ah,” she sighed. “My husband would hold my hand and declare it the softest in the world! Today he has given me much happiness and everything else, but… there is no Yash Chopra romance!”

“Well” said the effervescent Dido Chadha, “It is a universal truth; men pursue first, then the woman pursues the man.” In the same spirit, Dido (named after a Greek Goddess) then went on to regale us with this Kishore Kumar song from the 1960’s movie, Girl Friend.

Kashti ka khaamosh safar hai…    

The hero is rowing a boat on a scenic lake, bursting to confess his love, but hesitating because of his overflowing emotions and his beloved’s shyness. In an attempt to encourage him, the lady (“foolish woman, shouldn’t have opened her mouth” as Dido says) eagerly professes her own love first.

Now the guy relaxes and happily starts rowing back, saying there is no need for words anymore.

Dil ne dil ki baat samajh li, ab munh se kya kahana hai. 

Disappointed, the beloved keeps pleading with him to profess his love. But the man’s last words say it all.

Chhodo ab kya kehna hai.

Now that the woman is his, the man no longer feels the need to say anything. But then that is the nature of a chase. A chase is good only till the pursued evades being caught. What is the fun of chasing a willing conquest?

A study of 40,000 households by the Economic and Social Research Council in Britain showed that women tire of marriage faster than men because women invest far more into making the relationship work. “Men get comfortable in a relationship and forget that women need romance,” states the study.

Men of course have their own set of complaints. They complain that a woman stops looking as attractive or being as caring as during the courtship stage, and blame her for the lack of romance as she adopts a proprietorial manner rather than her earlier flirty, appreciative ways.

A study of 2,000 couples supports this, saying that as soon as the honeymoon phase is over (the study gives this period 3 years and six months) a couple starts getting comfortable and so revert to their real selves, to bad habits. Men and women stop making an effort to appear attractive, well-mannered or caring, taking each other’s affection for granted. So then, would it help if, in order to keep the hunter interested, women always left a few bastions yet to be conquered? Should a woman nurture an element of mystique always? She surely must not seem as willing as the lady in the song, but rather appear somewhat unapproachable in order to keep the challenge going.

Alternatively, how about us not treating the courtship period like a hunt or a chase? Why must a man need to be a predator and hunt down his woman? Why must a woman need to be chased? Why must they adopt means and personas at variance with their usual normal selves?

Isn’t it best to just be yourself and end up attracting people who like you the way you are? So if romance comes naturally to you, it is not likely to vanish after you are married. If not, at least she will not accuse you of having put on an act initially. And without any high or misplaced expectations, you are not likely to be disappointed either. You can be yourself, true companions to each other and enjoy being free and happy together.

Of course, Irrfan stresses too much on the “sleeping with” bit. A marriage is not about just sex. If you look at sex as just a momentary act, a release for stress and a means to feel good about yourself, it may sound fine to have it anywhere, any time, with anyone. But look at it as a woman does – a means of coming intimately closer to the one you love. That can certainly not be shared with 10 people. And look at it the way scientists do. The act of sex releases chemicals that bring a couple closer to each other. Scientists opine that two powerful hormones that are released after sex — oxytocin and vasopressin — are responsible for feelings of deep commitment and attachment between two people.

And so, if in your experiments, you are attracted by and get attached to one of the outsiders, there is bound to be a lessening of attachment to the significant one, essentially rendering the open marriage into a broken marriage. Rightly do some therapists call an open marriage a recipe for disaster, jealousy, hurt and disappointment.

Forget 10, even one affair outside marriage carries with it the risk of breaking it up. With 10, the logistics would become impossible to handle. Proponents of an open relationship talk about the liberating effect of discussing other liaisons with their spouses, but they also agree that juggling lovers and trying to keep jealousy at bay can raise stress levels dangerously, often resulting in explosive situations; it is difficult for us to accept a love that is not exclusive.

Supporters of polyamorous relationships claim they are far more honest than those plodding along in boring monogamous ones. But to me, a swinger is more honest to himself and to those he/she has relationships with. Having a series of lovers and intimacies one after another without promise of commitment is better than having them all simultaneously. And marriage should come only when one is ready to commit to that one relationship. Accidents may happen along the way, but a planned infidelity runs contrary to normal human emotions and would spell chaos in society.

Chua Soi Lek do not agree that one gets married only because of societal compulsions, but yes, these may help keep many a marriage together.

One of the essential stages of loving is to become so attached that you wish to not just share moments, but an entire lifetime with your loved one. You want to make a home and babies and share the pleasures of life with each other, be responsible for each other’s happiness and live in the security and knowledge that you are bound to each other by more than just that frivolous thing called romantic love. And this security comes from marriage. Love may ebb and flow, but marriage keeps you from walking off at the first visible hurdle. Kids hold you back even after several hurdles.

Our love — even for those we are bound by blood to — has an essential element of duty to it. Most of the time, you do things for parents, siblings or children because you are duty-bound to do them. Pure affection and sincere emotions do not necessarily dictate everything we do for our blood relatives. Similarly a sense of duty and responsibility are an essential part of our love for a spouse, and the marriage contract spells that need for responsibility as much as blood does.

 

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